Why don’t we appreciate, the things we have, before we lose them?
Those people before they leave?
Those experiences before they become memories?
Why seek comfort in complaining, bickering, arguing, finding faults?
Why does it become so hard, to simply appreciate the moment, people or things?
Why is it so easy to place blame or get irritated at annoying habits of others?
I want to take you all, to a very ordinary time, in my life.
I had a guest over, let’s call her : Thia.
Before we jump into, how easily I got riled up at every moment of her presence, in my house, let me give you guys a little background.
Thia and I, met like two years back, when my mom took me and my brother to her place for half a day. I knew of her before this incident, but had never met or spoken before. Not that I cared. She was just another relative I didn’t wanna know exist. However, We had a train to catch in her city, and for this main reason, mom had decided to take me and my brother to her place. I wasn’t very comfortable going there, given I don’t like to get involved much with family gatherings, especially distant family. I simply wanted to catch that train, without any unnecessary formalities. But the moment we arrived to their place, it felt weirdly nice. I liked the vibe of it all, and something clicked. Thia and I got close in no time. I had more fun, going out and exploring the city, than I imagined. And we spent the entire night talking, dancing, chilling!
It was something magical. I had never connected with someone this way.
I was infact sad, the day we had to board that train.
Soon, She decided to take admission in the same University as mine. I was more than thrilled. However, things didn’t go as planned. We encountered some petty but real issues, during her stay at my place. It was as if, we were no longer resonating the same, unlike at her place.
This and many other small moments slowly caused us to drift apart. We now, are in the same city and same university, but hardly meet or talk.
She rarely comes to visit and each time, we have an argument over something or the other. Its not real fights, but arguments, fixed by apologizing – but never really getting resolved.
Its like she is a completely different person to me now.
This story is about her recent visit to my place.
Knowing I live alone, with my parents. I liked the idea of having someone close to my age here.
But on her day of arriving here, we had an argument as usual, which brought back unresolved past shit.
Not just that, but every time I sat down to talk to her, something pissed me off – be it her attitude, rigidity, way of being, know it all behaviour, somewhat unsuspecting habits, etc.
I consciously tried avoiding all fights which included talking less, not giving my opinions (as it didn’t matter), sharing (which I usually did before), etc.
Keeping my cool was very difficult. Because, there was a lot to say and I just couldn’t. Because telling her anything post that first day – was in a way, a disrespect to myself.
However, not all was bad. Keeping aside our mindsets and differences – we did have some fun. Being together, dissing our university, listening to songs, sharing reels, reminiscing old times, evening walks, cooking, etc.
So, yes – she got on my nerves every single day. But Living alone (excluding my parents) is worse.
And when did I realise it?
Ofcourse, when she was leaving.
My mind was torn as I couldn’t stand her guts but it was too hard to be alone. As if her being here, shielded me from echoes of my already existing problems. As if getting mad at her was an excuse to quiet my own worries. It can’t be a healthy distraction. Infact, it wasn’t just a distraction.
When you force yourself to remain quiet (because it has become a habit to constantly react and not observe), you begin to dive deep.
I had many epiphanies during her stay and after she left. I realised, it wasn’t just that she distracted me, by focusing on my annoyance towards her behaviours, but it was also a reflection of my own self!
Let me explain: I feel :
- We attract people and therefore meet and get surrounded, by people matching our own frequency, vibe, tribe, what have you.
- We project out what’s already inside of us , mostly unconsciously ( all those unresolved emotions : in my case anger, irritation, frustration,etc)
- We meet those projections: ever wondered how each one you meet has got something in common or similar to you : We meet our projections as people sometimes. We won’t meet a person who’s got nothing in similar to you. And when stuck in loop, we don’t grow and are surrounded by same type over and over again, in one form or another. Until, we learn those patterns, we won’t grow out of them.
For me, her this visit, helped me look within. I had never introspected myself so much, that too within a span of 3 days. Every action of her, every trigger of mine, every action or reaction – was questioned by me.
I will give you an example:
She had a habit of not making her bed – never, she would never make it. And I can’t stand it, after a certain period of time. It annoyed me, but I didn’t react because I figured – what my OCD stood for and deep rooted reasons. And I didn’t find it fitting to lash out on someone else for that.
Another example would be her KNOW It All attitude. Being the elder one, it pissed me off, not because she didn’t take my opinion, but because I felt, she didn’t even respect me enough to hear me out. And it affected me the most. However, after the first day – I realised, it was me, being reactive to it – I didn’t feel heard or seen enough by some loved ones and this past trauma makes me wanna jump at her?
Also, it shoudn’t really affect me in any way, if she is not open to other perspectives right? I am not at loss anyway, so why be reactive ? But knowing was not enough, maybe I didn’t argue with her or say anything , but I was dying with rage on the inside.
However, I took the first step of confronting my behaviour and emotions.
Another thing, which I already know, but was reminded of constantly was : Perspective.
In her mind, she was doing everything right, she might not even know how reactive I was. Her way of viewing the world is also justified, because no one is really right or wrong, right? Therefore, her behaviour is justified. And its her job to work on that, not mine.
It is easier to realise and say these things now, but being in that moment was not so easy.
I also realised that, my ego or shadow self – was what was operating, not me. It is generally not easy to self check that part. However, I realised it and tried to stop.
These and many more things came to the forefront, by just being observant and non reactive all the time. And some INNER WORK!
Now coming to the point:
Sorry about the little divergence there.
I wanted to focus on feelings and realizations after she left.
This person was once very important to me. We drifted apart yes, but if anything were to happen, I would be by her side. Because I still care.
And that’s the first thing I got to know: We get hurt only when we care, expect, love or trust.
Does that mean we shouldn’t love, care or trust?
No.
We should.
Just knowing that getting hurt is a personal emotion. We can’t let others be accountable to how we feel. It’s too idealistic, but in certain situations, it can easily be applied – like your parents yelling at you, in situations where guests are involved, office colleagues, etc.
Similarly, I was unconsciously hurt, my ego got no respect and it was hurt. So other reactions were obvious.
I guess it is apparent here , that knowing when to really act for your self respect ( when someone really crosses a boundary) and when to let go acting on your EGO is important.
I remember, when she was gone, the same unmade bed didn’t infuriate me at all. Infact I missed having a person at home. I missed evening cup of tea together, even though I was pretty much on my phone throughout, to avoid getting riled up. But you know what I mean – A presence.
It is difficult to put in words. But it’s like a big piece of a puzzle suddenly went missing, and it would take time to adjust to that temporary void created.
Then came another realisation, why was that?
Why do we not appreciate that same presence in the moment?
Why do we get tangled up in such emotions to not appreciate the present?
Why do we get distracted like that?
SIMPLE ANSWER : EGO, COMPARISON, PRIDE, JEALOUSY, ETC.
But mostly, EGO. When our ego is hurt, following emotions flow out.
I guess it comes with some level of maturity to catch your triggers and let things go.
And ONE OBVIOUS WAY TO DO THAT : INNER WORK
It can include introspection, mindfulness, breath work, self help books or activities, meditation, affirmations, journaling, taking help of psychologists, etc.
Present moment is quite fleeting when you are busy reacting.
I would suggest you all to read ; POWER OF NOW by Eckart Tolley. One of the books, that has saved me, a lot of times. It came to me, when I needed it the most – at my worst. And I resonated it with each of its lines. This book can explain you in detail, what I’m failing to convey here. It is all about how to stay Present.
I would like to conclude here, without going into tips and tricks on how to stay present.
For one simple reason, that I want us to become aware of our emotions, thoughts, feelings, behaviours – not based on four to five tips of any blog – but only by BEING PRESENT. Only we can know our inner world the best. You can start your inner work journey by simply observing!
The crux of this blog or if there was one thing to take home from this blog ; it would be to start Introspecting everything around and within you, right away.
What do you feel about this blog? Start here?
This was an open ended discussion to let you question, the things I mentioned at the start. How trivial things, we quiet easily ignore, can change our entire perspective on the reality we live in.
Thankyou for reading!