You are with people all the time, even when you are alone in an empty room – Especially if you are an over thinker!
Words heard or spoken just flow in your veins and if you are lucky it stops as you fall asleep – mostly after tossing and turning through the entire night. Sometimes, not that lucky and it appears as your worst nightmare.
“It’s not that bad as you think it is “, I say to myself, but it creeps and crawls all over you every single second.
Why did I have to say that?
What did he/she mean?
Was I acting too weird?
Why god, just why???????
Can’t it be done all over again?
And million other questions pop up, with no solutions or remedies. The advice to it all is simple –
STOP OVERTHINKING!
Pfft, like it is that easy.
Like you wanna feel this way.
Like you can help it.
I know, I know – I imagine it worse than it all was and that overthinking about it won’t solve anything nor will fix it.
But it happens the way we breathe – AUTOMATICALLY.
The more you try to stop it, the more you can’t.
So, now that I have helplessly tried to convey what a second looks like in an over-thinker’s head, let’s talk solutions:
PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS WHICH AREN’T TALKED ABOUT ENOUGH
Before diving into the solutions, here’s some background to a personal story which I will be referring to so that the pointers feel a lot more relatable and understandable. And it will become easier to follow through and to apply in any situation.
Here we go:
Like any normal day at school, I entered my classroom with those heavy load of books on my back. Geeky specs and weird emotions. Yeah, so I was amongst the toppers, but I didn’t have what felt like normal school life and I so desperately wanted that. Talking to everyone, being the entertainer, people person, a large group of friends or circle and maintaining the rank of topper of course – but my anxiety, social awkwardness, shyness, love for solitude (was not aware about it then) and fear got in the way of it. So I ended up being the weirdo – or at least I thought I was. Because I didn’t talk much or at all, when in campus – with anybody let alone class mates. Searched for corners and made myself comfortable in those sweet spots, not bothered by anyone – almost invisible!! I remember all of it so vividly – but I think that story is meant for some other day.
For now, let’s talk about one of the millioneth embarrassing moments which made me overthink for ages.
So like I mentioned, a normal day at school. I enter the campus, sitting in that invisible spot, minding my own business and observing others. Until she walks in – let’s call her “Jane”. Jane was my old friend/schoolmate. I had spoken to her a lot when we were classmates. She was one of those people, who must have been aware of my presence.
But she wasn’t here for me, unlike me she had a great number of friends – like we see in those TV series “a popular girl”. I remember admiring her for her confidence, personality and most importantly dressing sense!
So I decided to get up from that graveyard and go say Hi! And it worked… We had a decent conversation for old times’ sake and then she gets surrounded by this huge gang of charismatic people. I was right there and they all were discussing something which I couldn’t become a part of. The feeling of being left out, and the urge to fit in… had never been more. I was happy in my dead spot but now I was standing in a battlefield where my opponents and friends couldn’t even feel my physical presence. So I decided to speak up, just say a word or two and leave.
That mission backfired in no time.
Don’t get me wrong, I spoke, I spoke a word or few and became completely numb after that. It was completely irrelevant to that conversation. So those girls, paused for a little while and took a step back, formed another circle and continued their conversation. I was not even standing close to them at this point. I was so embarrassed but equally numb to take any step back and return back to my class or go ahead and try something else to join them.
Bell rang and people ran to their respective classes, leaving me in that stranded commotion.
Somehow trying to erase this incident, I went back to my dead zone and patiently waited for the day to get over.
I never stopped thinking about it until very recently.
I kept thinking, how humiliating that was, wished I had spoken something smart or not spoken at all. At least when I didn’t speak, I had the privilege to stand with them. Now I will be thought of as a “weirdo”. No one will ever talk to me, etc. etc.
When I look back now, it all feels so silly but it was a real bad experience for that younger self. It had damaged my already broken self-esteem and confidence, made me more embarrassed and lose face and shy. Many more different kinds of incidents followed next, which made me dread school and hate myself. And honestly very few of those moments involved others. It was mostly my mind which made it a horrible experience, which didn’t let me try.
Now that I look back, I can see things clearly. Anyways it all helped me to grow into the person I am today. And tackle some personal hurdles, one of them being – “overthinking”
Today, I know how to control my mind when it doesn’t stop spiralling around in the same loop of thoughts. And for that I will be grateful forever!
So let’s see how all of us can have certain control over our thoughts when we get stuck in the loop:
1) Dig deep
The first step to any problem is to dig deeper into it, yes overthinking is the problem for today. Like the younger me, let’s not see only the superficial issues, let us dive deep.
Now what I mean by this is to do a simple activity – write down or make a list, as to why are you really overthinking. What’s that you are truly embarrassed or scared or guilty about? What makes you think about the same thing again?
And I don’t mean just writing whatever strikes first, I want everyone who tries this activity to truly reflect on their thoughts and behaviours. ASK WHY (or How) at least 10 times to reach the depth.
For example :
1) Why can’t you stop overthinking about it? ( because of the conversation?)
2) Why does that conversation bother you? ( because “what will people think about me “)
3) Why do you fear what people might think about you or so what if they think ill of you? ( No body will like me)
4) Why do you think people won’t like you based on one event? (I always act this weird)
5) Why did you give yourself this tag? Isn’t it you judging yourself before others even try to? Why are you judging yourself? (Because of the past events)
6) Why do those past events matter today? Is this a way to protect yourself from similar situations? But is this the right way? By shutting yourself? (it’s better than putting myself through that embarrassment again)
7) Why is this painful rather than to be seen as a learning experience? ( it is too late to fix it )
8) Why is it too late to fix it? ( Because no one likes me already and I can’t take more chances or act absurdly)
9) So if they don’t like you already, isn’t it time to stop worrying what they might think? Why do you think they don’t like you? ( the way I act in public, I don’t like myself because of it why will they?)
10) Why do you act that way then? ( to try to fit in) (or why don’t you like yourself?)
And the process continues till you are satisfied with the results and have figured out the underlying reasons for those repetitive thoughts and behaviours. In this example the underlying issues are self esteem , fear of criticism, confidence and people pleasing, etc.
When you ask yourself these questions, things get clear. And you can work better to improve that condition or situation or the problem. Practices like mindfulness, meditation, yoga, self-introspection, etc. also help in becoming more aware of your inner self and the root of your behaviours.
For example, if I asked these questions to myself back then, the answers would have been:
1} I am embarrassed about the talks – What people might say ( fear of judgement or criticism)
2} I am afraid that nobody would want to be my friend. ( fear of being alone, trying to fit in)
3} I am humiliated because they left me out (fear of missing out)
4} I can’t stop overthinking because I could have said something smart or nothing at all ( dreading over or being stuck in past
Etc.)
2) After identifying that issue, let’s talk about action – plan
So now that we know the roots of our problem, let’s start the healing process. I say it’s a process, because it is not a magic pill that you take and boom! The problem’s solved. It’s a process of continuous & constant efforts in the right direction.
The action plan for your situation will depend on your answers to the questions you have asked.
For example:
According to the answers mentioned above, my problems were fear of judgement which made me a people pleaser and low self-esteem which made me hate myself, lose confidence in myself, thereby making me hate every behaviour or action that I took. I know we say that every one goes through this but I think they shouldn’t. And if observed closely – the sole reason for this is that we become so harsh on ourselves as we grow – that we stop loving ourselves and start comparing with others, to try and become like them or bring on the perfectionist mode to achieve unrealistic realities.
Now this doesn’t mean, we stop trying to improve ourselves, it simply means to start accepting ourselves, even before we are accepted by others.
Another important point is that we give control of our happiness to others. In the event we spoke about earlier, I chose to feel happy if and when I would be surrounded by my friends.
Ignoring the things we must be grateful and happy for, we choose unhappiness.
Anyways moral gyaan apart, not having friends is and was a serious issue. And ignoring it to be content over other things in life doesn’t seem to be a very good idea.
This brings me back to the point I was trying to make – Based on your problems, find a practical action plan.
An action or step which is practical & solution oriented.
For my case, it would have been, a) to deal with self esteem issues by working on confidence, public speaking skills, etc – there are so many online courses out there to help through that. Also by taking initiatives each day to speak to at least one person in the campus just for 2 to 3 minutes and slowly but gradually getting out of comfort zone.
b) to accept myself, by doing things I like and am proud of. Like self care activities, etc.
But each problem has its own action plan.
3) GET CLOSURE – Sometimes there is nothing that can be done, so what then?
Can you fix whatever’s troubling you?
If after thorough self inspection, you feel that there is nothing that can be done now then what’s the point of repeating it all in your head right? I know it’s easier said then done.
But give yourself that time to think endlessly for an hour and so, and even after that you think you cannot go back in time and fix it or that there’s nothing you can do about it now, then simply get closure.
You have done every possible thing and now is the time to accept the situation and say goodbye.
Only thing left is, the lessons it taught you and it’s very clear that you won’t be forgetting that anytime soon, so there is no need to cry over the spilled milk. And it’s time to get your closure – it can be anything.
It can be as silly as laughing on yourself and as serious as picking up the phone to apologise to someone. Whatever it looks like for you, do it. And promise yourself to let go and never think or at least overthink about it – choose not to do so consciously!
Let’s suppose you are like me and you still can’t stop – then move on to a new worry! A practical and important worry.
For example, when I couldn’t stop thinking about that incident, I thought about the upcoming exams and fear of the future was sufficient to distract me from it for a little while. This way you focus on important tasks at hand and don’t feel like you are neglecting anything.
It’s a cheat code or a instant relief hack and like every other instant hack it can have some side effects, thereby try sticking to the closure plan.
NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT INSTANT HACKS FOR MY OVERTHINKER’S WHO CAN’T SLEEP AT NIGHT :
1) Write it down, to improve later
Journaling – its one of the ways which works both ways i.e long term and short term. It can instantly make you feel better and over the time can help you regonise your triggers and deep underlying insecurities and reasons for your actions. It doesn’t have to be done in a certain kind of way, write what you feel, even if its just two lines. Once you start to enjoy the process, you can try different kinds of journaling methods and pick the one that suits you the best.
It doesn’t really have to be a journal, it can simply be the outburst of your emotions and fears on a piece of paper. But if you want to understand your own self and reflect over the days you spent in deep overthinking patterns, journaling can be a great source of release.
2) Don’t try to polish it
Sometimes accepting the situation in front of others help. But when you go admitting your mistake or try brushing off the topic in front of others, there are chances that you might end up embarrassing yourself even more, so remember to accept the situation at your own accord and if needed acknowledge your mistakes in front of those people but don’t put yourself down for one simple mistake or situation. The awkward laughs and making fun of yourself to make others comfortable when its you in reality who is not comfortable, can backfire.
Therefore once you realise the situation needs to be put out front, make sure to not overcompensate. We do that most times because we feel the need to please others to feel secure.
3) Focus on future or present for now
When it gets difficult, try deep breaths and meditation. Set intentions for present moments and future goals. To stop those thoughts, practice mindfulness and looking at the bigger pictures.
Try calming yourself with a self care routine or doing things you love the most. Try taking some time out for yourself. It would not be advised to overburden yourself with work, just for distraction as it can lead to other problems.
4) take a walk or dance
Stop whatever you are doing and put on your favourite music, to calm yourself. Take a walk nearby or simply dance or move to the rhythm of the music. Feel whatever you need to, release those dearly held emotions, cry if you feel like or laugh, whatever feels natural. This is one of the simplest form of distraction to make you feel calm instantly.
These were few examples to help you in times when you can’t stop overthinking. On an ending note, I would just say – that it’s a process and it gets better over time with set intentions and action plans, by taking a step in a direction to know yourself a bit better, to know your triggers and your response to a situation. It’s you who can help yourself the best. I hope these few pointers helped. There are so many other ways you can use to distract yourself –but digging deep can help you overcome this from within and solve other personal issues which you might not be aware of yet.
Overthinking is not always a problem, sometimes it’s our mind highlighting the issues, which needs our attention, which might have been overlooked before and therefore it’s our responsibility to acknowledge them and try finding a way that works for us.
