Hi, from a troubled mind here!
I honestly don’t know why I sat here, then again I wanted, not to be on my bed forever.
What should I write about?
Should it be about the fact that I’m shifting to a place, not so much to my liking?
Or should it be about the fact that its final year of my degree and I feel this path ain’t for me?
Or should it be about the fact that I feel I have no friends?
Or that I am completely cut off from others and I chose to be on a “break”, with the only person interested in me?
Or should it be my financial problems?
Or should it be about my family issues?
Or should it be about the fact that I keep bouncing on and off, about my belief in spirituality?
Or should be that I am restless all the time?
Or how I am not able to write or even launch my blog with all the drafts from past 3 years?
Or about every single other problems in my life?
Why would anyone want to read that?
People have their own shit.
Its called Tiny Wins, but what happens when even the tiniest of the wins, seem far fetched or impossible?
Is it a test of universe or just my luck?
Is it my mindset or just my helplessness?
Is it me or that everyone else is better off?
I guess the day I find my answer, I will be back here with a flowery message of how I did it, so you can too.
But I don’t want to do that, I want my journey to not just be mine. Because I know for a fact,that people are suffering, maybe even from worst issues than mine right now, and they don’t want yet another ALL PUT TOGETHER person.
I know I wouldn’t.
I would want to feel not alone right now. Which honestly I do.
I don’t want to feel worthless or useless or any other stupid word – BUT I DO.
And honestly right now I don’t even have any solutions for it, except for trying what works. Because I have learnt one thing so far in 22 years – GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION, no matter how shitty the situation is!
It might feel like it, it might look like the easiest option, it might be tempting – But it is not, it has worst consequences, and you find yourself in deeper, hollow depths than the ones you currently are in!
I always think I will write about these hollow depths, but I get numb. I don’t know what to write, how to write or how to even begin. It feels too attention seeking, too made up and too overwhelming. But here goes nothing.
I was suffering from depression for most of my teen and adult life. I got diagnosed at the age of 22. And even after that I was on medication for hardly 2 months. I gave it up, I started to feel better. But you know what, I spiral too bad. I spiral to a point of destruction – for everyone around me and myself. I try so hard to not fall back, I promise. I try so hard to just be positive, rational, energetic, active, lovely, charming – you name it!
But when I get sad – its not easy to push back up, despite years of practice. I restart a million times, I try a million things, but then I push it all away, in a single moment. And I get to start from scratch and all over again. Its not my fault I know, there are things and ways its can be treated – I know. I have done my research. But knowing is not enough.
Life just pushes all your buttons, its almost as if its laughing at me before shoving all the issues down my throat, to a point breathing feels useless. But like I said – GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION. It never was!
I recognize now, when I am about to fall back or fallen already. And I don’t hesitate to ask for help now. Maybe a more detailed version of this is meant for later. Sorry if it became a rant. But if anyone else, even remotely relates – its for you – despite those billion problems and hopeless hours – IT’S WORTH IT – to see the light at the end of the tunnel, or even a tiniest glimpse of it!
Cheers to us! We will get through!!!
THANKYOU.