AM I USELESS?
Ever woke up feeling Useless?
Well, I did today. Despite what others could tell or my positive shelf could muster, I felt completely and utterly useless.
(ps: wrote on 24th February)
Hi lovelies,
Hope you all are doing great. I also hope, none of you ever feel this emotion or feel Awful About yourself. (even though I advocate for experiencing everything life’s got to offer)
This blog is not surrounding the issue of self esteem, nor is it a “how to” type of blog. It’s a conversation between you and me over an ice- tea or cold coffee on a hot sunny day like today.
Your part of this conversation (your views, opinions, agreements or disagreements with this blog) is highly requested in the comments. Do comment on this one so that I know that I or others are not alone in this.
With that being said let’s begin.
I woke up around 5 am and realized today is Saturday. And naturally giving into my instincts & giving up on my morning rituals (which keep me sane, productive and uplifted throughout the day) I fell back asleep.
My eyes opened again at 9:30 am, when my dad entered the room. It was already super sunny, sun rays entering my room were already killing me with their brightness, harshness and heat, when my dad decided to have a “talk” with me. (Now that I think about it, it kinda went like this blog, only one person talking – in that case it was my dad.)
He told me very calmly yet seriously to get up, help mom around – to help around at home -that I am a grown up and to start acting like one.
The context was – “ME SLEEPING IN”. I don’t generally get time from college and tuition & other sort of work to help mom around.
Also, my mom is a perfectionist, working with her is a bit hard for me, as we both like things done in a specific way i.e our own ways – even if the end result is the same. But, when my dad was speaking my response was just staring in the unknown and hiding my face with the blanket. It’s mostly because I knew he was right, mom isn’t well and I should have helped her around. But, I still couldn’t get off the bed or say anything or do anything about it.
It was a classic FREEZE RESPONSE.
If you have been reading my blogs, you know in a flight or fight scenario – my response is always “FREEZE”.
If I was in a forest, I would be eaten alive.
Anyhoo, I did eventually get up. (will talk later about how to deal with situations if your instant response is Freeze too, in any situation like overwhelming work schedule, relationship fights, events, etc – ultimately leading to procrastination.)
I got up, I made my bed, did my morning rituals (with no interest unlike other days when I do wake up early – ps: I am a morning person, late afternoons and mornings just make me a zombie in action), made some tea & even asked mom if she was okay.
But, I couldn’t talk to dad nor could face him. It wasn’t a big deal right? But I felt like I had committed a crime. I felt horrible, awful, incompetent, selfish brat, lazy and most importantly USELESS.
I felt useless not just in case of not helping much at home, but also in every area of my life.
GIFTS AND CURSES OF HIGHLY SENSITIVE PEOPLE…..UFFF….
All my accomplishments, hardworks, good moments even with mom or dad for that matter, were shadowed by this feeling of guilt, hopelessness in myself, incompetency and USELESSNESS.
I recently added morning pages in my morning routines – something I have to do as soon as I open my eyes. Sometimes my eyes remain closed due to early mornings & just hand moves.
So, before getting off my bed or checking my phone – a few moments of pause after my dad left the room, I picked up my journal from the bedside and wrote this :
“ I feeI useless – in all areas of my life – at home, at work, yesterday when my phone got stolen (will talk about this incident soon in another blog), in life. I got no skill, no talent, no purpose. Worst part of it all I don’t even do anything about it except feeling sorry for myself and making others feel sorry for me. Seriously, what’s wrong with me? AM I really this selfish, incompetent or lazy?”
*Most of you reading this, will feel this is stupid. Just because my dad said few things and I slept in- why make it a big deal or a drama like this!*
Right?
Well it isn’t a big deal, but you never know when and what can really impact another person and to what extent.
People’s words hold power.
Well it wasn’t just about the words (I knew my dad was right, and he didn’t even scold me – he just had a talk), it was about this feeling that originated from deep within, for a problem which wasn’t even a problem to begin with.
I just had to get up and help or put my concerns across. Even in that moment I knew that. However, I got consumed by these feelings. Despite all my practices, self help, self love rituals, etc I got totally subsumed in it.
Let’s dissect why and understand that if something similar ever happens to you, then what can bring you out of it:
First things first, words hold power, but it wasn’t about the words today – it came from deep within.
(ps: It was a full moon, that means our shadows easily emerge on surface, even in small or insignificant scenarios, for us to help deal with them)
This feeling of USELESSNESS is not new to me.
Yet, effects me the same each damn time. It had heightened during the depressive phase of my life, hence it also brings up that time too.
I grew up in a critical environment. I was critical of myself, tying my self worth to the amount of work and achievements and sometimes so did my parents (I do not like to complain about them – because they are the best parents I could have asked for – however no one’s perfect.) They never directly said these things growing up, and I do feel it wasn’t even their intention to make me feel this – however being highly sensitive ever since a child, I picked up a lot of things from my surroundings that normally others won’t. I observed what in our societies, cultures, at home or friend group was considered “BAD” and I tied opposite of those behaviors to my worth, in this case “ACCOMPLISHMENTS, HELPING OTHERS, PLEASING OTHERS”.
SO, naturally when someone so important like my dad got upset with me today – that inner child got scared – thought I failed and that I was not needed anymore and hence USELESS!
IF YOU EVER ARE STUCK IN THIS FEELING – LIKE ME DEEP DIVE AND FIGURE OUT WHY.
Secondly, This feeling subsumed my confidence, accomplishments, hardwork – all my GOODS – in one go.
Even post my best friend (whom I shared this with immediately) kept telling me and proving me how “AMAZING” I was – Friend’s word not mine 😉, I felt like shit. Because the hurt was too deep and it was an old one. I needed to work on it on my own.
Ps: No one can help you with your self esteem, except you yourself.
The best part about practicing spirituality and doing some inner work is that you catch yourself in these moments from further going down the rabbit hole. SO did I.
I knew in that moment, it was an old pattern – a degrading my mood, will, vibration kind of pattern – And I knew to get me out of the freeze response – I need to first calm down and later work on that feeling.
So, I played a positive song I loved, made my bed, did my morning rituals – some self care and affirmations. When I calmed down and felt a little okay, I went to the kitchen had a talk with my mom on how she was – It was a good reminder for me too – I know I love her and care for her – And I, infact was not that selfish (even though this activity in itself looks selfish).
Sometimes you have to remind yourself that your inner critic is not right, even through physical reminders or actions.
Last thing which was left was feeling opposite to “I have no purpose, talent or skill”, because I knew it wasn’t true and my friend did too.
This was the most challenging PART.
You can sit around knowing the why behind the down feelings. You can work on your esteem issues by self care, etc. But how do you go work or do things that take sooo much energy, when you got none – because you spent half of it dealing with your negative inner critic?
I felt groggy, unproductive, unmotivated, anxious, overwhelmed, etc when it came to completing my tasks for the day (unfortunately I got lots on my plate these days.), even post yoga and my morning rituals which normally energizes me. If I wouldn’t do these tasks, I would keep circulating back into the loop of feeling worthless and useless.
FEELING USELESS = NO ENERGY = NO WORK DONE = FEELING USELESS
I do feel I got skills, talent and purpose when I complete my tasks – sad that it again boils down to proving my worth through work – but one problem at a time.
After having a discussion with my friend, I decided to go to a café, to feel uplifted, good and motivated – I love romanticing life this way – a fancy café and my laptop, can get me easily into my flow state. However since she wasn’t well – I decided to bring café home.
I took a long cold shower (Bangalore is so hot these days), dressed in fancy yet comfy clothes – my favourite sweatshirt – danced around in kitchen to uplifting songs while making some light breakfast for myself. By now, I was already feeling better – the grogginess that comes from a half wasted day was already dissipating. I finally lit my rose candle, sat on my gunny bad, with a fancy bottle, books, my laptop and a cold drink (tea). And here I was typing this blog out.
Already accomplishing my goals for the day.
Sometimes a little push from your loved ones, but mostly yourself can do wonders.
I would love to dive deeper another day on this topic of feeling hopeless and worthless . FOR now, I hope you enjoyed reading about how I got out of this feeling today.
Hope you have a great day ahead!
Sending you love & light!
Catch you soon……….