As a 20 year old living in somewhere between this noisy yet overly secluded part of the city, I sit here in my balcony enjoying my favourite beverage of all – CHAI! And the lake view, typing out the lessons that the years 2019, 2020 and 2021 taught me directly or indirectly, how these were filed with lots of tears, arrogance, joy along with many unanticipated emotions and situations. As the sky changes colours my thoughts get deeper and the peace and serenity becomes indescribable!
I might be ignorant and naïve to say that all of us go through this in our lives and many of the clichéd lessons is or will be experienced by us at some point or another. But these are some lessons that have flowed right out of my heart as I say goodbye to the year 2021 which was nothing but unkind to me and yet one of the best years so far…..
- CHERISH RELATIONSHIPS ESPECIALLY FRIENDSHIPS
The first thought that comes to mind when we talk about teenagers or being in our 20s is that of romantic relationships! But breaking out of that and seeing the beauty in solitude and relationships like friendships, parent-child, siblings, and your company which allows you to be you was a beautifully important lesson!
Friendships are such cherishable bond with strangers who become your world, your go-to people and most importantly a bond where you don’t think twice before opening your heart out! I have seen people break such bonds for sake of a romantic partner whom they had just met, and it’s simply heart-breaking! I learnt to put efforts into those dying friendships (or relationships) and wait for the right people to fit in the vibe as the time comes!
Learnt to love and embrace the company I have chosen or got by some excellent luck! And at the same time say “no” to energy drainers or stoppers (who don’t match my vibe – doesn’t include acquaintances or colleagues – talking about inner circle or close friends)
Another amazing relationship which isn’t talked about enough is a relationship with ourselves. I was a person who feared to be left alone with myself but lately I have realised the peace and unexpected outcomes it possesses. And I wouldn’t share even a percent of this time now with anybody.
It’s ME & MYSELF
It is filled with such gratifying and graceful moments which not only helps you grow as a secure individual but also helps you discover yourself! I cannot stop romanticizing it for you guys, just try it yourselves at least once!
I will write more about it in upcoming blogs for sure, but for now if I have to name one thing that I do which makes me feel like I am enough and need nobody for any kind of validations is this : Do things that matter to me irrespective of whether or not it’s worth something to anyone else : example playing my ukulele or sitting in this balcony enjoying the lake view as the sky changes colours, birds return to their homes, clouds pass by and I simply sit there being totally present in the moment, observing the serenity and loudness all at the same time. These 30 minutes end up refreshing me beyond an explanation!
- NOT TO BITCH
So I can’t emphasize enough on the fact that I have been lately surrounded by people who love to back bitch about others or about any situation they are in rather than discussing the solutions for the real problems behind that behaviour. And I hate that, just hate that!!! So I either choose to remain quiet to respect the outburst of the person in agony or despair, or simply get up and walk out. But was I like this before? Uhm like most of us, NO!
Ever wondered why people love to gossip? Why they waste time proving how they were right? Why they love putting others down? Etc. etc.
Three simple answers:
- Jealousy
- Pride
- Hatred
However there can be other reasons, one of the biggest one is that it’s emotionally rewarding and a dopamine source. But according to me it’s useless and shows others what kind of a human you are. It degrades your personality and does no good. I was personally never into gossiping or bitching about others but the last few years showed me a variety of situations and people who indulge themselves in it without even being aware of it in the first place.
I now know how to deal with such situations and also identify such people easily, I am not here to say what’s right or wrong, but I for sure wouldn’t wanna be involved in this. And the simple technique I have adopted for such situations is that of being frank about it. If I have a problem with someone it is best to sought it out in person and if it’s not in my hands to do anything then so be it, let it go and focus on important tasks instead of blame games or wanting the sensation of superiority!
- KNOW YOUR PACE
YOU DO HAVE TIME: ITS NEVER TOO EARLY OR LATE
So if you are like me, who gets overwhelmed with future then you too must have watched millions of videos on YouTube or other platforms to give you the idea of how things are “supposed” to be done or are “supposedly” done. Many of the hustlers say things like time is running, you are gonna lose some best years of your life if you don’t start now, successful people are not doing “this” or “that”, get up 3 or 4 or 5, work your ass off etc. However what I learnt was that every individual is different and no same things can work for different people and so here through trial and error method you have to figure out what works for you!
Being the lazy and anxious person I am who just loves and loves to procrastinate, the principle I make myself believe in is: Don’t rush yourself to be somewhere, also don’t be lethargic enough to not get anything done at all!
Rushing makes me overwhelmed and I hardly wanna get anything done in such pressure, so I take some time out to mentally prepare myself and decide the pace at which I will finish those tasks, this way the chances of getting burnt out or stressed are reduced a lot! I can understand that the pressure works for many people and so it’s important to respect your pace of working or getting things done.
There were days I would just sleep or rest all day and then criticize myself and feel guilty, feeling guilty would result in me being unmotivated to even move a muscle and again the cycle repeats! (The feedback loop from hell – from the book “Subtle art of not giving a fuck”)
Such days are important and so instead of putting myself down by criticizing that rest or sleep – which sometimes goes on for days – I chose to cooperate with that feeling and ultimately come out of it feeling rejuvenated. One of the best ways to respect your pace is allowing yourself to feel being done!
However some days there will be needed that additional push to just get started, as you might never feel like it! Except such exceptional situations, I like to move ahead without the need to drag myself.
The end note being “Be Gentle” on yourself!
- CHANGES ARE CONSTANT : WAIT NO MORE
Nobody hates changes more than me, but lately everything is constantly swirling around in unimaginable forms. Only fact can be that the one stable thing is change, everything changes – friends, circumstances, thoughts, situations, people, even your own self. Its gonna sound so clichéd but embracing change and moving forward with it is the best advice anyone can ever implement!
So like me if you are too waiting for stability of something or another and think that you will start or end something important to you when it gets unravelled, it’s better if you leave those thoughts behind and wait no more!
Time is now to start or end whatever you want to. Or to feel at one with yourself because tomorrow the familiarity of even today is gonna be washed away and life will present itself in a different light which can never be expected.
- Forgive yourselves and others
People make mistakes. And we are “people” too!
But should you forgive people who hurt you, on the basis that it was not intentional or that they care deep down or it was just a bad day or that you can’t afford to lose them or that you should be forgiving and humble to understand where that behaviour comes from, or that maybe you didn’t understand the situation completely, or that they might be right in doing so or that you amount nothing in their comparison, or that you shouldn’t be adamant or that they made you who you are or that they are your parents, siblings, spouse or children, etc.?
It took me a while but I did get the answer! And it’s a NO! You shouldn’t forgive them for any of the reasons mentioned above or otherwise, except that you should do it for yourself!
Forgiving someone is never about them, it’s about you. You do yourself a favour every time you express, analyse and then let go to forgive others. Not to be mistaken with creating boundaries and making sure you take right steps to learn from it and never get in that situation again or give that power to someone else to hurt you again, but to do your best and then letting loose is only gonna help you and save you from an unnecessary victim mind-set! It sets you free and returns your power.
This also includes being gentle to yourself by being able to forgive yourself for the mistakes done and rectify or learn from it to grow as a person.
- Know thyself ; values beliefs behaviours
What defines you? Is it your values? Your behaviours? Personality? Body?
I think it’s your values, your beliefs, your decisions to act according to what feels right to you that defines who we are or can be. There is a lot more which contributes to who we are and it would probably take me ages to figure out the whole of it, but for now its understanding the little things each day about myself that helps me get to know myself a little better and therefore act in a much evolved form. It could be anything like I prefer tea more than coffee when I have been wanting to be a coffee person because it sounds cool, childish isn’t it? But for most of the life I wanted to become a coffee person just to sound classy when I am die-hard lover of CHAI! Or something like I love aesthetics, I mean who doesn’t but still something, or that writing is therapeutic or that I enjoy sitting alone in a room full of people and not feel left out or awkward. Many more things on the list… The point being that these little things help me discover who I really am and be proud of them! And it’s our job to find ourselves and act accordingly to enjoy most of our time here! Wait no more to be found instead be our own prince!
And to remember that NO ONE IS IDEALISTIC: NOT EVEN YOUR IDEALS!
- IT IS OKAY TO BE CLUELESS
Anxious, instability, scared, worried, frozen…
It scared me so much to even think about an uncertain event or plan, and I always liked to be in control of what the next step would be. While it’s a good mind-set but most often than not it gets ugly, because my friend life is so damn unfair, it loves to dance in the tears of your failed plans! AND so it’s okay to be a bit clueless sometimes.
Now let’s walk through an example to understand what I’m trying to convey here.
Since my 10th standard I didn’t know what my career path would be and being a 3rd year undergrad student, I still don’t. I chose to weep each day being anxious, worried, sad and horribly angry & irritated. Feeling I am an idiot and the only one who doesn’t know what to do with my life, and the time is running out, I am never going to figure things out, etc. etc.! But very recently I got this epiphany that it’s okay to be this clueless, all I have to do is be cautious, smart and keep working one step at a time in the direction of improvement to finally know where things will wind up! Now I know it feels like the shittiest advice but I am just asking myself to be smart and practical and work on projects and skills that ultimately makes me a better person who can get whatever she wants when the time comes. It’s useless to cry over something instead of working upon it one bit at a time! Right?
- SO WHAT, IF I’M NOT RIGHT, WHO IS?
After all this gyaan, I would conclude on the note that you should be unapologetically you! Don’t try to be egoistic to be always right because no one is. I heard it somewhere on the internet and it still rings in my ears because I resonated with it so much: –
“No one is actually ever right, it is just that some people are more right than others, and it comes with experience to be able to accept this fact”
Would love to elaborate on it later on!
For now, if you have made it till here, thank you so much for reading and I appreciate it a lot! I might not be the best advisers out there to ask you to take back any of these points with you but I surely feel amazing to share my experience and learnings!
On an ending note, I say this with a warm heart and a grateful soul – GOODBYE 2021 and Thank you so much!